After two tests showed abnormal liver function, I had a CT scan on Friday, April 18th. When I got the message that Ruth Oratz called, I knew she had bad news, but I was still hoping that it was going to be liver related -- cirrhosis, hepatitis, something else bad -- but I kind of knew. So Albert and I converged on her office, where she was clearly upset. Here's what the report said:
Liver- innumerable hepatic metastases are visualized. Several are chosen for reference measuring 4x3cm, 2.2x2.4cm, 2.3x2.3cm and 2.5x1.6cm. Many other lsions, some larger. Spleen, pancreas, biliary tree, adrenals, kidneys, bowel, pelvic viscera, lymph nodes, peritoneum all normal. Skeletal - lytic lesion crossing the left S1 joint bu predominantly in the left iliac wing measuring 2.8x2.1cm. A lytic lesion is seen in the pedicle of T12 measuring approximately 1.6x1.1cm.
That word innumerable was what did it. I lost a little of my strong self, it's like I have a hairline fracture of the spirit. We started working on all the next steps -- liver biopsy, port implant, MRIs, bone scan, chemo. When I had cancer the first time, I had the feeling that I was on the treatment treadmill, that things just follow one from the other. Back on the treadmill now.
Told the key people at work, or at least some of them. I am learning how to do it without getting too emotional, because it is more important that I stay strong and appear positive than "keep it real". Almost no one can handle the real feelings, so I save it for those who can and won't run away. And for here.
Had my first chemo on Thursday. The actual infusion took less than an hour, had a longish session with Beth about diet. Apparently I cannot gain any more weight, and I need to make sure that my blood sugar stays reasonably level, so smaller meals but more frequent snacks. Foods with lower glycemic values will be better, put less strain on my digestive system.
I went back to work afterwards, and took Alix to see Gypsy. Trying to keep as much normal in my life as I can.
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